Saturday, February 16, 2013

My Laundry...


I think they call this airing it out...

Did you know that this is Utah’s coldest winter since 1949? We live above much
of the inversion and I’m still drowning for sunlight. Last week was so busy that all
day Saturday I played catch up. I was working in the kitchen when the sun started
to set and the strangest feeling came over me. The only thing I can relate it to, in
a sense, is a panic attack. I kept trying to turn all the lights on, it was the weirdest thing that’s
ever happened to me. I made it a point Sunday to go for a long walk by the lake,
soaking up the cloudy skies.

Finance/Finances are such an interesting topic. It’s been a sacrifice for Chris to
quit his job and pound out his last year of school. I know there’s light at the end
of the tunnel. Only two online classes this summer and he’s done. I’m excited
that we won’t be scrimping to pay another tuition bill at the end of the summer.
There are still so many changes I want to make in this area. My favorite part
of my job is the time I spend with one of my bosses learning the complexities of
the stock market. I really respect this guy’s knowledge and insight – Chris and
I spend a good deal of our free time reading and researching the market. I’m not sure of my
boundaries on writing about the topic publicly, but what an amazing learning
curve this job has created. My next step is debt relief. Not that we are drowning,
but we have our share. I’d like to write more, but continuing to think of the
appropriate manner. I’m inspired when others do something similar.

Sometimes I can’t believe where I am or who I am in life. Not that anything is
not where I want to be. I love this stage, and I already know it’s a time I’m going
to look back on longingly. We are happy. I guess if you would have asked me at
16 where I would be in 10 years. I would have said, I hope I’m married, finished
with school, have a good job, etc. It’s just funny because I don’t see myself
accomplishing as much in the next 10 years as I did in the last 10. That sounds horrible, 
but last 10 years just provided so many things that were "check off your list worthy."
Things I could check off a list, graduate degrees, temple marriage, etc. I feel like
right now my goal is to be content, move forward with things that can’t
just be checked off. Does that make sense? I hope it sounds like I have no clue what
my goals are for the next 10 years, because that's sort of how I feel lately.

I feel motherhood knocking on my door and its get louder every day. Chris has
wanted a kid from day one, and I always want Chris to have whatever he wants.
I've struggled because my baby thoughts turn more to cute baby names than
actual child rearing. Sometimes I lay in bed and try to make myself think of
actually holding our baby. On Saturday mornings when Chris is still asleep next
to me, I try to imagine a baby bouncing on their dad to wake him up.  I try to make 
up some nice baby daydreams.  However, my thoughts are always fleeting and I
struggle to daydream of babies. Sometimes that makes me feel like something is
wrong with me, others times it just makes me understand why it hasn't been our time. 

3 comments :

  1. Just so you know I think that's normal. You can't really picture being a mom or having a baby that is your own flesh and blood until it actually happens. At least that's how it was for me. It just hits you one day. And still there are days that it hits me over and over...like, 'wow, he's mine and we're doing this.' So just don't feel like you are weird or something because you aren't. :)

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  2. You will love the day when you wake up and Chris is playing with your little babe tot. This morning, it was Bob helping me clean up a poop explosion, but I loved it all the same. Sometimes I look at Olivia and still think, is she really mine? I can't wait for you to become a mom, when the time is right for you.

    Go yeast cleanse! Hope all goes well. I am trying to give up sugar. So hard.

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  3. enjoy the time you get to daydream.....and agreed that the next 10 years seem to not have as many " big events" but will include lots of smaller ones!

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