Friday, February 21, 2014


I feel stretched so thin lately.  Chris and I have made some serious decisions this past week.  Turning down an opportunity I'd wanted for along time, for something we think will be better, harder, but better.

I've been thinking a lot about making decisions and seizing opportunities lately.  I've always been horrible at decisions.  When I was single, I thought once I got married and finished college all the big decisions were done.  I'm not even joking with that statement.  Decisions are ten times harder when you're married, add a kid and bam! I'm a regular old paranoid wreck. There have been a few decisions in my life that were easy peasy.  One being my decision to marry Chris.  I literally never once felt an ounce of angst about the situation.  Anyone who knows me, knows this is a modern day miracle - part the red sea kind of crap. Now that I've felt that peace in the decision making process, I've come to expect it every time.  However, sometimes it's not all about the modern day miracles.  Sometimes the sea doesn't need to parted.  Sometimes you're supposed to have anxiety about how to get across, make the decision of how you're going to do it and go for it. I think questioning the decision and the process is often the hardest part of our earthly journey.

Somehow I forget everything I've ever learned when making decisions, every single time we go through something big at our house.  I have to talk the subject to death.  Once Chris and I are done talking about it, I begin to talk AT him. Luckily, Chris was born to adequately deal with this flaw of mine.  He's kind, understanding and even when he's tuned out, he's still tender.  

Where I am going with this.  I don't even know.  Let's talk about Caldwell.  Who knew you could love something so much it hurts.  That kid, sometimes when he looks up at me and smiles I can literally feel my heart get bigger.  I'm toast when it comes to that kids every whim.  Caldwell is massive!  At our two month appointment he weighed over 13 pounds and is 24.98 inches long.  At three months old we have busted out the six months clothes.  The doctor said he's going to be tall.  I love that.  When I'm commuting back and forth from work, I hope and imagine I raise him to be a good man. I have no idea how to do this, nor do I have the ability to stay awake while reading parenting books.  I'm winging this whole thing.  Anyway, I hope he's a good man who stands even taller than his height.  Everyone says that Caldwell had been looking more like me, like a Patterson.  Except that he got Chris's skin.  He's pale.  I've never purchased sunscreen in my life, not because I want skin cancer but because I don't worry about burning.  I imagine there will be a day (like next month) where I'll be at Wal-Mart seriously thinking about what aisle the sunscreen might be down. Caldwell also got Chris's ability to smile and laugh.  I'm really excited about this.  It's probably Chris's best quality!

The Bates family has so much to look forward too.  We celebrate the little things around here.  Caldwell sleeping all through the night twice.  We paid off both our cars.  Chris's opportunities and the silly interview questions people ask.  I've been working at replacing TV with books (not the parenting kind.)  In the last few weeks I've read, Young & Divorced  - strange I know.  But the author is a blogger and I really like her. The book has been so inspiring, especially if you need a push to study your scriptures more, attend the temple and pray more fervently.  I also read Everything that Remains it's a book about a guy whose theory is that less is more.  He throws away all his stuff and lives a minimalist life.  Although his thoughts don't completely align with mine. I do love de-junking and this guy does one hell of a job of that. 

My thoughts have now sputtered out.  Time for bed - 8:30.  I'm not joking about this statement either. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Going to Work...

 I went back to work this week.  The good news is, I made myself so utterly sick and worried about it, by the time it came, it was actually quite pleasant.  Using my brain and actually focusing on something else for a few hours gave my paranoid body a much needed break.  I actually started to sleep this week.  Real sleep, that lasted almost as long as Caldwell's each night.  Although my body is still raging with itch, not itching during work hours has helped it subside to small burning rage, instead of the spawn of satan it once was.  Im not joking about this itch, it's horrible. 
It's much easier going back to work knowing that Chris is back home pulling full daddy daycare. I know this situation won't last long, but when I get cute pictures and video's all day, it makes it much easier to be away.  Plus, I mean look at these two.  Am I not the luckiest?
I always write blog posts about motherhood that revolve around me.  Seriously this mom thing was much harder than I anticipated.  There's a reason people use sleep deprivation in forms of torture.  That being said, here's a few things about my little Caldwell, who turns 2 months tomorrow. 

- Caldwell doesn't cry unless he's hungry.  Then it's more like a blood curdling scream. 
- He smiles every single time you make eye contact.  Even in the middle of a blood curdling scream. Which is basically my favorite thing about him. 
- He's chill, really calm and chill.  It blows my mind that something this easy going could come out of someone so obviously paranoid. 
- His hair, good grief, that hair.  There is no control and we have combs in almost every knook and cranny of the house. 
- He's developing some serious chub. I love seeing his chin(s) when he smiles. 

There you have it.  Someday I will learn how to make a coherent thought that doesn't revolve around this guy or my motherhood ailments. Until then....